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Unger the Influence

FIFA Peace Prize Discovered at Local Thrift Store

December 7, 2025 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA The new FIFA “Peace Prize” was apparently so meaningful to its recipient that it’s already been discarded and discovered amongst all the useless chotskies at the local thrift store. “I couldn’t believe my […]

Unger Games

Trump Wins Inaugural Nobel Prize for Soccer

December 6, 2025 Andrew

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN Not to be outdone by FIFA, the Nobel committee has just come up with a new soccer award, specifically designed for the world’s top demagogues and/or soccer players. The first recipient will be […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadian Shoppers Concerned as Fargo Reinstates Wood Chipper Executions

December 5, 2025 Andrew

FARGO, ND North Dakota’s attempt to lure crossborder Christmas shoppers has met with a hiccup this week after the local Chamber of Commerce announced they’d be bringing back the wood chipper. “Yeah, I think I’ll […]

Unger & Thirst

Mrs. Friesen Rushes Inside to Avoid Freezing Her Buns

December 4, 2025 Andrew

GRETNA, MB Mrs. Helena Friesen had a leftover plate of raisin buns from the funeral this afternoon, which required her to hightail it to her Honda CRV lest she freeze her buns off. “Jauma, it’s […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Finally Takes Down Last Year’s Christmas Cards Just as This Year’s Start to Arrive

December 2, 2025 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN Mrs. Erin Janzen of Mountain Lake has finally begun to take down last year’s Christmas cards just as soon as the first batch of new ones have arrived. “It’s a painful decision, […]

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