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The Daily Bonnet

Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage

September 10, 2016 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Every chaste young man’s biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage. “I just knew this […]

The Daily Bonnet

Steinbach Couple Claims to Be From Winnipeg While Travelling

September 9, 2016 Andrew

CALGARY, AB A young married couple from Steinbach, who recently went on a road trip to Alberta, have been telling everyone along the way that they are “from Winnipeg.” “The hotel clerk, the gas station […]

The Daily Bonnet

Friesen-Friesen Wedding is Well-Attended by Local Friesens

September 8, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Hundreds of Friesens from throughout southeast Manitoba descended on the local EMBC church this past Saturday to attend the wedding of Benjamin Friesen and Anna Friesen (no relation). “I’m so excited to see […]

Unger Suspicion

Oil Company to Reroute Pipeline Through World’s Most Famous Cemeteries

September 7, 2016 Andrew

DALLAS, TX Despite significant opposition to the project, one of the world’s major oil companies has elected to route their new pipeline to make sure it damages as many sacred burial grounds as possible. The pipeline has […]

The Daily Bonnet

Students Petition CMU for ‘Hipster Discount’

September 7, 2016 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB A group of millennial students at Canadian Mennonite University have asked the institution for a discount on their tuition because they are hipsters. “Children of alumni, missionary kids, pastor’s kids – they all […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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