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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Claims “Natural Immunity to Tipping”

March 17, 2022 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Area man Garth Toews claims he doesn’t need any medical intervention for his chronic lack of tipping. “I have natural immunity to tipping,” said Toews. “Every time I reach for my wallet, there’s […]

Unger Games

National League Adopts ‘Designated Menno’ Rule

March 16, 2022 Andrew

PHILADELPHIA, PA Decades after its junior curcuit counterpart made the change, the National League has finally agreed to adopt the Designated Menno rule. “It’s about damn time,” said diehard Phillies fan Mary Denlinger. “I know […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman to Continue Wearing Mask in Liquor Store

March 15, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Even though provincial guidelines no longer require it, Mrs. Jessica Peters, 31, of Winnipeg plans to continue sporting her N95 at liquor stores across the province. “I’ve gotta be protected,” said Peters, ” […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonites Baptized in Low German Forced to Do it Over Again in High German

March 14, 2022 Andrew

HENDERSON, NE A bunch of Friesens will have be rebaptized this week after it was discovered that Pastor John had been using Plautdietsch when he should have been using High German. “Everyone knows the Bible […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Super Disappointed He Can’t Use His Fake Vaccine Passport Anymore

March 13, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man Mr. Thiessen is super upset at the Manitoba government for removing his ability to use his fake vaccine passport. “After all this money I invested in getting this fake thing made, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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