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Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Denied Boarding for Carrying Two Ice Cream Pails of Jreewe

June 6, 2022 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Mrs. Deirdre Giesbrecht was denied boarding of JantsiedJet Flight 606 this afternoon after her ice cream pails full of cracklings were declared a “liquid” and therefore not suitable for carry-on luggage. “Oba nay! […]

Unger & Thirst

New Reports Claims Children Just Faking It, Most Absolutely Love Broccoli and Brussels Sprouts

June 4, 2022 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON A new Health Canada study shows that kids have been fooling us the entire time. According to research, Canadian children report broccoli, brussels sprouts, and green peppers among their absolute favourite foods. “It […]

Unger Conviction

Area Church Declared “Apostate” for Not Being Big Enough Jerks

June 3, 2022 Andrew

GRUENHIMMELSCHANTZ, SK One local church has come under intense scrutiny, as of late, for being “insufficiently jerkish” for the rest of the churches in the area. “They’re apostates. We can no longer fellowship with folks […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Family Excommunicated for Living in Temperate Climate

June 2, 2022 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Area man Pete Unger and the rest of his family has been sentenced to ten years shovelling the church parking lot after it was discovered they spent the entire winter in Phoenix, Arizona […]

Unger Suspicion

Jury Finds Johnny Depp Guilty of Having Better Lawyers

June 1, 2022 Andrew

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA Seven jurors have found actor Johnny Depp guilty of having, “like, way better lawyers than Amber Heard.” In a historic decision, the jury ruled that there was absolutely no evidence that “Amber […]

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