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The Daily Bonnet

‘The Voice’ to Feature Nothing but Mennonite Family Trios from Now On

December 15, 2021 Andrew

PETTISVILLE, OH After the success of Girl Named Tom this year, NBC’s ‘The Voice’ has committed to exclusively bringing in Mennonite singing groups from now on. “The Liechtys showed us that Mennonites could sing a […]

Unger Suspicion

Bombers to Win Grey Cup Every Day Just So Portage and Main Can Stay Open to Pedestrians

December 14, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The Winnipeg Blue Bombers have decided to do a great service to the community by winning the Grey Cup every afternoon around 4 pm just so that pedestrians will have access to Portage […]

Unger & Thirst

Neufeld Downs Entire Grey Cup Filled with Komst Borscht

December 13, 2021 Andrew

HAMILTON, ON All-star offensive lineman Patrick Neufeld of the Grey-Cup winning Winnipeg Blue Bombers became the first player in CFL history to fill the cup with oma’s delicious komscht borscht. “It was either that or […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Spends Entire Grey Cup Reading Daily Bonnet Articles

December 12, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Mrs. Esther Thiessen of Winnipeg has been accused of being present in body but not in spirit at this afternoon’s Grey Cup party, where she was spotted on numerous occasions scrolling through Facebook […]

Unger & Thirst

Tim Hortons Collabs with Mr. Wiebe to Offer New Line of Mennonite Products

December 11, 2021 Andrew

OAKVILLE, ON Justin Wiebe, 23, of London, Ontario has just signed a lucrative $8,000,000 contract to design Mennonite-inspired Timbits and other products for Timmies locations across Canada. “They approached me in the MB lot after […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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