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Unger & Thirst

Entire Province Forced to Live Like Mennonites as Liquor Stores Close

August 11, 2023 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Manitoba’s Mennonite population surged to 1.4 million this week as liquor stores across the province have forced everyone to become teetotalers. “What the hell am I going to drink this weekend?” said local […]

Unger the Influence

CBC Publishes Fake News in Order to Skirt Facebook Block

August 10, 2023 Andrew

TORONTO, ON CBC News has hired Mennonite satirist Andrew Unger to “churn out a bunch of fake satirical news stories” in order to get around Facebook’s blockage of Canadian news sites. “Make up whatever you […]

Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Drives 900 Kilometres to Save 5 Cents a Litre at Rosthern Gas Station

August 8, 2023 Andrew

ROSTHERN, SK When Wilbert Peters of Altona, Manitoba found out from his Saskatchewan cousin Fred Olfert that gas was a full five cents a litre cheaper in Rosthern, he immediately set out on a daylong […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Disproves Evolution by Carbon Dating “Welcome to Morden Sign”

August 7, 2023 Andrew

MORDEN, MB It’s another day and another fossil for the residents of Morden, Manitoba, which has area farmer Corny Harder “really upset once” and extra-determined to disprove the “evolution from Abes.” “Right away I drove […]

Unger & Thirst

Skeptical Burger King Customer Seeks to Prove the Existence of ‘Ketchup Nuggets’

August 6, 2023 Andrew

ST. CATHERINES, ON As significant doubts about the existence of ketchup nuggets spread like wildfire this week, Burger King Canada has decided to post photographic evidence that their new ‘ketchup nuggets’ are actually a real […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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