ALTONA, MB
After five centuries of never once compromising their cherished Anabaptist values, Mennonites across Canada are forced to confront the most pressing ethical dilemma in their history – what to do in the face of a nationwide cottage cheese shortage.
“I’ve checked every Sobey’s and Superstore in the area and there’s no cottage cheese anywhere,” said Mrs. Friesen. “We’ve moved to far flung corners of the earth for less than that.”
Some Mennonites, however, are not willing to move and are beginning to question the founding principles of their faith.
“We’ve never had a crisis like this before,” said Reverend Kehler. “From the public schools questions to the Selbstschutz dilemma, we’ve never had to ask such difficult questions as a church. It’s time to face the facts – if we want to keep eating vereniki, we may just have to rethink what it means to be a Mennonite.”
Kehler will be gathering all the men in church to sample some potato and cheddar perogies and prayerfully consider whether they can eat such worldly treats and still call themselves good Mennonites.
“There’s going to be a lot of soul searching,” said Kehler, “but I’m confident with enough discussion and plenty of sampling, we will come to the right conclusion.”
Meanwhile, another group of some 50,000 Mennonites is already planning to move to Angola to avoid the long form census.