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Unger the Influence

Unger the Influence

Carney to Raze 72 Million Acres of Old Growth Forest to Make Copies of Guilbeault’s Resignation Letter

May 27, 2026 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Prime Minister Mark Carney has decided to raze more than 72 million acres of old growth forest in the province of British Columbia this week just to make sure every man, woman, and […]

Unger the Influence

Trump Really Excited About New $1.8 Billion Slush Fund

May 20, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC The White House just announced this week they’d be creating a $1.8 billion slush fund, specifically designed to provide Trump and his buddies with a neverending supply of 7-11 Slurpees. “I’ve hand-selected a […]

Unger the Influence

Webster’s Dictionary Redefines “Ceasefire” as “Active Battle”

May 8, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A request from the Ministry of Truth in Washington has pressured Webster’s Dictionary to redefine “ceasefire” as “all out warfare.” “Too many people were under the false impression that ceasefire means you actually […]

Unger the Influence

Man Who Aced Cognitive Test Can’t Tell Jesus From a Doctor

May 5, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A man who routinely brags about the cognitive test he aced apparently cannot tell the difference between images of himself dressed as Jesus and a doctor. “It was a very hard test. No […]

Unger the Influence

James Comey Indicted Over ‘606 47’ Seashell Photo

May 3, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Former FBI director James Comey was indicted this week after posting a photo of seashells that had been arranged to spell ‘606 47.’ “You know what that means?” said President Trump. “Quite frankly […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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