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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Brushes Up on His German to Read the Bible in Its ‘Original Language’

March 3, 2017 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Tired of the notoriously unreliable English translations, local man John B. Kornelsen of Kitchener has been relearning German in order to read the Bible in its original script. “You can’t rely on these […]

Unger Conviction

‘Reverse Lent’ Begins Today for Devout Mennonites

March 1, 2017 Andrew

DALLAS, OR On Ash Wednesday, Mennonites across the world cease their regular practice of abstaining from anything pleasurable and instead take up a wide variety of unhealthy habits. Local woman Patricia Voth, 65, of the small […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Earns Place in Heaven after Attending Evening Service

February 25, 2017 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Local man Henry Harder has guaranteed himself a spot in Heaven after successfully attending those really boring Sunday evening church services for twenty years straight. “I’ve made it! I’ve finally made it!” shouted […]

Unger Conviction

Fists Fly After Loewen Family Sits in Penner Family Pew

February 21, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Fifteen members of the Loewen family and twenty-three Penners were hospitalized this past week after a brawl broke out at the local Mennonite church. The brawl seems to have been initiated after four […]

Unger Conviction

Local Kleine Gemeinde Not So Kleine After Massive Expansion

February 16, 2017 Andrew

HEUBODEN, MB Once playfully referred to as the ‘Kleine Gemeinde‘ or ‘small church’, the EMC has grown to include 62 churches with over 7200 members. One such congregation in the tiny village of Heuboden has […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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