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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Archaeologists Excavate Thick Layer of Sunflower Seeds on Car Floor

August 29, 2016 Andrew

WARMAN, SK More than twenty years of knackzoat accumulation, amounting to over three hundred kilos, has been excavated from the car floor of local couple Barney and Ethel Kehler of Warman. The Kehlers have been knacking zoat onto […]

Unger Conviction

Church Leaders Permit Waitresses to Work on Sundays

August 28, 2016 Andrew

KRONSGART, MB After lengthy deliberations, leaders of a local Mennonite church have decided that the day of rest need not apply to female restaurant servers. “Sunday is a day of rest,” explains Rev. John F. Stobbe […]

Unger Suspicion

French Police Arrest Mennonite Women for Not Dressing Sexy Enough at the Beach

August 26, 2016 Andrew

CANNES, FRANCE In an effort to enforce their arbitrary and inconsistent definition of secularism, the French government is now cracking down on Mennonite women who are “not dressed nearly sexy enough to be at the beach.” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Morden, Manitoba Has it All! Signs! Fossils! Chicken Chef!

August 25, 2016 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Some local residents are calling Morden, Manitoba the “Las Vegas of the North,” after a brand new sign featuring a giant fossilized fish and large white letters spelling out MORDEN was erected earlier this […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Drives Really Slow ‘To Be a Witness for the Lord’

August 25, 2016 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Traffic was backed up for miles in Saskatoon this past Friday as Matthias Harder, 74, of Dalmeny, decided to go to the city and drive really slow during rush hour. “This is my mission […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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