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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Deacon Arrested for Manspreading Across Entire Church Pew

August 24, 2017 Andrew

KIDRON, OH Mennonite deacon Delbert Nussbaum, 81, was taken into custody by Kidron Police this past Sunday after churchgoers complained that the elderly man had manspread across an entire pew during the morning’s service. “What […]

The Daily Bonnet

Top Mennonite Vacation Rentals Available Right Now on AirBnB

August 23, 2017 Andrew

Whether you’re a Mennonite in need of a getaway or an Englisher who wants, for some strange reason, to stay with a Mennonite, AirBnB lists plenty of exciting options. Here are the top 5 Mennonite […]

The Daily Bonnet

Outrage in Steinbach After Streets Named After ‘Johnson’ and ‘Smith’

August 23, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB A new housing development in Steinbach is taking the bold step of naming the streets after Englishers. The first two streets, which drew the ire of several Mennonites, are ‘Johnson Boulevard’ and ‘Smith Place.’ […]

Unger Suspicion

Solar Eclipse Caused by Mennonites with Black Paint, Scientists Claim

August 21, 2017 Andrew

MARKHAM, ON Today’s rare total solar eclipse has scientists questioning previously-held theories on the origins of such phenomena. According to a recent study out of the University of Markham, the most likely cause of eclipses of this […]

Unger Suspicion

Twitter Mourns the Loss of Jerry Lee Lewis

August 20, 2017 Andrew

FERRIDAY, LA There was an outpouring of grief for rock and roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis, who, according to reliable sources on Twitter, passed away last night at the age of 91. “The man was […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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