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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

General Conference and Mennonite Brethren Form Joint Olympic Team

February 9, 2018 Andrew

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA For the first time since the great schism of 1860, the General Conference and Mennonite Brethren will compete together in the Olympics under a unified flag. The United Mennonite Team is seen […]

The Daily Bonnet

‘Mennonites’ Deemed Offensive, To Be Replaced with ‘Personnonites’

February 8, 2018 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Protestors surrounded a Mennonite church in Edmonton this week demanding that it immediately remove the offensive gender-specific label of ‘Mennonite’ from all signage. “We say ‘Personnonites’ now,” said one protestor as he defaced […]

The Daily Bonnet

Bump of Packed Down Snow at the End of Mr. Penner’s Driveway Declared Manitoba’s Highest Peak

February 7, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB A one foot tall mound of packed down snow on Mr. Penner’s driveway has been officially declared the tallest mountain in Manitoba. “Move over Baldy Mountain, my driveway is king now!” said a […]

Unger Games

Falling on Your Ass Only Known Way to Stop While Skating

February 7, 2018 Andrew

TORONTO, ON After centuries of skating, Canadians have mastered the art of maneuvering their bodies at high speeds on sheets of ice, but scientists are baffled by the fact that not a single one of […]

Unger Conviction

8% Tithe Now Acceptable Due to Economic Downturn

February 6, 2018 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN After a slumping economy and soaring unemployment rate, the Society for the Proliferation of Mennonite Churches has determined that “an 8% tithe will be acceptable for the foreseeable future.” The change was […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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