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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Study Reveals 70% of Mennonites Don’t Know All the Dance Moves to Hymn 606

November 11, 2018 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA A new study out of Southeastern Mennonite University has revealed that a shocking 70% of Mennonites no longer know all the dance moves to Hymn 606. “It’s a shame,” said Mennonite anthropologist and […]

Unger Conviction

“The Last Shall Be First, and the First Shall Be Last”: Sermon Causes Traffic Jam in Mennonite Town

November 10, 2018 Andrew

MARTENSVILLE, SK Vehicles were backed up for blocks in the small Mennonite town of Martensville this week after Pastor Martens gave a particularly stirring sermon on Matthew 20. “The last shall be first, and the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Introducing Every Mennonite’s New Favourite Winter Pastime: Strip Knipsbrat

November 9, 2018 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Young married couples in small towns all around the Saskatoon region have grown tired of the same old crokinole games on Saturday nights and have decided to add their own twist known as […]

The Daily Bonnet

Rosenort Couple Faces Existential Crisis: Are We Jantsied or Ditsied?

November 8, 2018 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB The Loewens of Rosenort have been facing considerable anxiety over the last few years trying to figure out whether they’re Jantsied or Ditsied. The conundrum has caused such stress that the Loewens have […]

The Daily Bonnet

Top Ten Dangers of Living in a Mennonite Town

November 7, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Oba, nay! Oh, yo, so the weltlich Englishers at Maclean’s Magazine said Steinbach was “dangerous.” They even put it on a list with Wetaskawin yet! I’ve got frintschoft there and I naver had […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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