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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

“Expiration Dates Are Just Recommendations,” Claims Mennonite Woman

February 3, 2019 Andrew

YARROW, BC For the past few decades, Mrs. Penner has been amassing a huge collection of expired food items in her refrigerator and pantry. The problem, it seems, is Mrs. Penner’s extreme distrust of so-called […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Hunter Shoots and Eats Groundhog, No Spring This Year

February 2, 2019 Andrew

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA A Mennonite hunter from rural Pennsylvania shot and ate an innocent little weather-forecasting groundhog yesterday, thus condemning the entire continent to perpetual winter. Mr. Yoder said the groundhog was delicious, but says he […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Spends Ten Hours Trying to Figure Out Who Unfriended Her

February 1, 2019 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Mrs. Rempel keeps pretty close track of her Facebook numbers, so when she saw her friends list drop from 189 to 188 earlier this week, she knew something was amiss. “Jauma lied! This […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Gets Out the Booster Cables After Horse Doesn’t Start

January 31, 2019 Andrew

VITA, MB After a bitter cold night with temperatures well below zero, Mr. Dueck’s entire team of horses just wouldn’t start in the morning. “Usually Martha reminds me to plug them in, but I guess […]

The Daily Bonnet

Entire Province of Manitoba ‘Moving to BC’

January 30, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After a near record-setting cold snap, the entire province of Manitoba has decided to pack their bags and move in with the Doerksens of Abbotsford. “The Trans-Canada Highway going west is jam-packed,” said […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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