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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Flock to Reopened MCC Store to Buy Bigger Pants

June 12, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB More than a thousand eager, and slightly larger, Mennonites were lined up outside the Altona self-help this Friday when they heard the store just got in a fresh supply of pants. “Jauma lied, […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Signals His Own Virtue By Calling Out Virtue Signalling

June 11, 2020 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Area man Alex Schmidt, 42, was so sick and tired of “virtue-signalling liberals” on social media that he decided to openly pronounce his own virtuousness by calling them out. “I’m sick and tired […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Co-Workers Caught Having Meddachschlop in the Photocopy Room

June 10, 2020 Andrew

MORDEN, MB The rumours about that Thiessen boy and that Klassen girl were confirmed to be true this week after Mrs. Wiebe unlocked the photocopy room and found the two of them having a nice […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Solves All the World’s Problems with a Single Tweet

June 9, 2020 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC In a heroic act of self-sacrifice and solidarity with marginalized people, local man Mr. Toews, 31, took a break from playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 to tweet out the following message to his […]

The Daily Bonnet

World’s Most Creative Mennonite Paints Entire House Builder’s Beige

June 8, 2020 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON There’s been a revolution in Mennonite interior design as of late with home owners opting for such vibrant colours as off-white, eggshell and, exclusively for the bold rebel Mennonite type, builder’s beige. “Oba, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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