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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Chaste Young Mennonite Man Fully Intends to Pay Before He Pumps

June 2, 2023 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Area man Guillermo Wiens, 19, was absolutely flummoxed by the “pay before you pump” sign at the local gas station this afternoon. “Why would such a sign even be necessary?” wondered Wiens. “What […]

Daily Bonnet

New Holland Owner Way Ahead on His Spring Seeding this Year

June 1, 2023 Andrew

RANDOLPH, MB While the rest of his buddies have just finished their spring seeding this year, area man and proud New Holland owner Dwayne Funk is, apparently, already bringing in his first harvest. “Oh, I […]

Unger & Thirst

Pantry Inspector Fines Mennonite Woman for Hoarding All the Aylmer Tomatoes

May 31, 2023 Andrew

AYLMER, ON During the semi-annual Mennonite church pantry inspection this week, Mrs. Martens was caught with more tomato cans than she needed for a lifetime and received a 3-month suspension of her pantry license, plus […]

Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Frequents Thrift Store to Avoid Doing Laundry

May 29, 2023 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Local MCC volunteers have finally discovered why local woman, Erin Friesen, 44, of Newton, Kansas frequents their store 3 or 4 times a week. “Every time she’s got a load of laundry to […]

Unger Conviction

Oba yo, Candice Bergen was right: Why We Know the Young People Really are “Brainwashed”

May 28, 2023 Andrew

BY: ABE FROM VANKLA Oba yo, I don’t normally agree with a woman, but this time I do. Candice Bergen is right! The young people these days. Diewel! I’m just glad someone was finally willing […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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