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Month: March 2020

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Sets Record By Standing Up and Sitting Down 600 Times in a Single Service

March 9, 2020 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN The East Side Mountain Lake Mennonite Church set a world record this Sunday after Pastor Ron had the congregation stand up, sit down, and stand up again 606 times in a single […]

Unger & Thirst

Frantic Mennonites Stockpile Hand Sanitizer, Toilet Paper, and Farmer Sausage

March 8, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Thousands of Mennonites across North America were totally freaking out at the prospect of having to quarantine themselves for a couple weeks should they be in the unfortunate situation of having not […]

Unger Suspicion

Bieber Debuts Terrible New Single “Yummy” at the Most Appropriate Venue – His Local Hillsong Church

March 7, 2020 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY After proudly recording what is probably the worst song in pop music history, Justin Bieber, sporting a pink hoodie and neck tattoos, decided the most appropriate place to debut “Yummy” was at […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Takes Three Hours Between Scrabble Moves

March 6, 2020 Andrew

ROSTHERN, SK The Scrabble match between Mrs. Ens and Mrs. Thiessen at the Rosthern Manor this week has taken much longer than expected due to Mrs. Thiessen’s insistence on poring through the dictionary to find […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Leaves Generous Tip of Two Gospel Tracts

March 5, 2020 Andrew

KIDRON, OH A waitress at a coffee shop in Kidron was excited by the generous tip left by one of her patrons this morning. After ordering two slices of toast and a glass of orange […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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