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Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Have No Place to Store their Crokinole Pieces After Crown Royal Plant Shuts Down

December 1, 2025 Andrew

ST. CATHERINES, ON Thousands of Mennonites across Ontario have joined Premier Doug Ford in dumping all the Crown Royal they weren’t intending on drinking anyway. “I use it for cooking or medicinal purposes only,” said […]

Unger the Influence

Doug Ford Dumps Out Entire Crown Royal Bag Full of Scrabble Tiles

September 3, 2025 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Furious at Crown Royal for shutting down a bottling plant in southern Ontario, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference this afternoon where he emptied out an entire Crown Royal bag full of […]

Unger Conviction

Church Elders to Investigate Member’s Involvement in Wordle Cheating Scandal

February 6, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB The posting of a “highly suspicious” Wordle score by Mrs. Lois Toews of Winkler has spurred on the church elders to investigate. “A 1/6? Seriously, a 1/6? I’ve never seen that in all […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Guesses Wordle in First Try

January 19, 2022 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Andrea Broesky, 59, of Leamington is known as an “early adopter” in Mennonite circles. She was the first one in Leamington to get a television (1985), VCR (1998), cell phone (2014), and now […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mixup at Family Gathering Has Mr. Penner Knipsing for a Triple Word Score

October 10, 2020 Andrew

BLUMENORT, MB Normally Mr. Penner can be pretty confident that he’ll come out on top anytime the knipsbrat board is placed in front of him. But a mixup with the knipsers this afternoon really had […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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