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pacifism

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Hunter Shoots and Eats Groundhog, No Spring This Year

February 2, 2019 Andrew

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA A Mennonite hunter from rural Pennsylvania shot and ate an innocent little weather-forecasting groundhog yesterday, thus condemning the entire continent to perpetual winter. Mr. Yoder said the groundhog was delicious, but says he […]

Unger Suspicion

Spoiler Alert: Simba is Pacifist in New ‘Lion King’ Remake

November 28, 2018 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA In an effort to clean up the violent image of the previous film, the good folks at Disney have made a refreshing change to the new Lion King movie. Instead of defeating the […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Gamers Excited for Release of “Call of Duty: Morden Warfare”

September 18, 2018 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Video game players across the Pembina Valley have lined up outside local Walmarts and Giant Tigers this week for the release of ‘Call of Duty: Morden Warfare.’ “Jauma, I can’t wait to try […]

Unger Suspicion

Pope Francis Bans Death Penalty; “Except, of course, for manspreaders,” he says

August 7, 2018 Andrew

VATICAN CITY Pope Francis modified centuries of church teaching this week by calling for the near complete abolishment of the death penalty, except for “particularly heinous crimes such as manspreading and those freakin’ annoying guys […]

Unger Suspicion

Discovery Channel’s Documentary on ‘Pacifist Sharks’ is ‘Most Boring’ Program Ever Aired During Shark Week

July 28, 2018 Andrew

MIAMI, FL The Discovery Channel’s annual ‘Shark Week’ usually features numerous fascinating documentaries about the underwater killing machines, full of exciting decapitations and mutilations that keep audiences on the edge of their seats. This year, […]

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