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The Daily Bonnet

All Abe Friesens Required By Law to Use Middle Initial

January 30, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Abe Friesen the mechanic (no, not Abe Friesen the Associate Pastor at the Main Street Brethren, or Abe Friesen the truck driver from Lowe Farm) is sick and tired of being confused for […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mrs. Henry L. Funk Celebrates Fifty Years of Using Her Husband’s Name

January 20, 2017 Andrew

KRONSGARTEN, MB Local woman Mrs. Henry L. Funk is celebrating fifty years of never using her own first name. Funk follows the Mennonite tradition of signing all her letters, postcards, and even legal documents by simply […]

The Daily Bonnet

Landmark, Manitoba to Run Out of Pletts By the Year 2020

November 7, 2016 Andrew

LANDMARK, MB Due to lower birth rates and immigration from non-Mennonite sources, the small town of Landmark, Manitoba, once known for its abundance of Pletts, is on pace to be completely Plett-free by the year […]

The Daily Bonnet

How to Win at the Mennonite Game: Swiss Edition

September 3, 2016 Andrew

Typical for Dutch-Prussian-Russian Mennonites, the so-called “comprehensive” guide to the Mennonite Game published yesterday contained a few startling biases such as names of rivers and Uncles. In order to address these issues, a generous Swiss Mennonite reader […]

Unger Suspicion

Bono Vows to Fight the Abes Epidemic in Winkler

August 9, 2016 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Famed rock singer and humanitarian Bono met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this past week to encourage the leader to do something about the Abes epidemic in the small Mennonite city of […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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