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Unger Conviction

Mennonites Happy, Pentecostals Sad as Ontario Bans Dancing in Church

June 21, 2020 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Churches are reopening in Ontario this week with a number of restrictions. On the top of the list is a ban on dancing. Unsurprisingly, the new law has devastated Pentecostals but absolutely thrilled […]

Unger Games

NHL Says 11 Players Have Tested Positive for Mullets

June 19, 2020 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY The 2020 NHL season is in grave doubt this week after the league announced that 11 players have already tested positive for mullets. “After reopening arenas and practice facilities on June 8, […]

Unger Conviction

Churches to Install VLTs as Part of Alberta’s Phase 2 Reopening Plan

June 16, 2020 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB With both churches and casinos set to reopen in coming weeks, provincial officials decided they needed to give churches an equal opportunity to attract patrons to their facilities. “We had to even the […]

The Daily Bonnet

‘Free Cotton Swab’ Giveaway Has Mennonites Lined Up for Blocks

June 15, 2020 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Mennonites across northern Saskatchewan were super excited when they heard about this brand new trajchtmoaka in the city who was handing out ‘free cotton swabs’ to anyone and everyone who showed up asking. “Oba, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Flock to Reopened MCC Store to Buy Bigger Pants

June 12, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB More than a thousand eager, and slightly larger, Mennonites were lined up outside the Altona self-help this Friday when they heard the store just got in a fresh supply of pants. “Jauma lied, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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