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The Daily Bonnet

Top Ten Dangers of Living in a Mennonite Town

November 7, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Oba, nay! Oh, yo, so the weltlich Englishers at Maclean’s Magazine said Steinbach was “dangerous.” They even put it on a list with Wetaskawin yet! I’ve got frintschoft there and I naver had […]

The Daily Bonnet

Thrift Store Prices Still Not Cheap Enough for Mennonite Thieves

November 6, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Soaring prices at local thrift stores have forced some unscrupulous Mennonites into shoplifting in order to obtain the rubber boots and crocheted doilies needed for bare survival. “When I saw the prices, I had no other choice,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Caravan of Mennonites Heading for U.S. Border

November 5, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The Driedger family of Abbotsford have loaded up their Dodge Caravan and are currently heading for the U.S. border. Authorities are on high alert, having been notified not to let any caravans enter […]

Unger & Thirst

Zwieback Added to Periodic Table of Elements

November 4, 2018 Andrew

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry has decided they’ve given up on mercury and decided to replace element 80 with the dry Mennonite bread known has zwieback. “It’s one of the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Accused of Wearing Makeup After Lipstick is Found on Husband’s Collar

November 3, 2018 Andrew

NEUANLAGE, SK Mrs. Neustadter of Neuanlage was hauled in by the church board this week after a bright red streak of lipstick was discovered on her husband’s collar. “I can’t believe that Mrs. Neustadter would […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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