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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Severely Injures Knipsing Finger

May 17, 2020 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON The global crokinole community was in shock this week after star flicker Mr. Funk went down with an injury to his knipsing finger. “The crokinole world has never seen anything like this, especially […]

Unger Suspicion

World Breathes Collective Sigh of Relief as Zoom Goes Down

May 17, 2020 Andrew

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS Billions of human beings around the globe received a temporary reprieve from incessant Zoom meetings this weekend after the app went out of commission. “Well, praise the Lord! This must have been divine […]

The Daily Bonnet

Chaos at Walmart After Mennonite Woman Goes the Wrong Way

May 16, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB It was absolute mayhem at Altona Walmart this afternoon after Mrs. Bueckert brazenly decided to push her shopping card filled with toilet paper and pistachio pudding mix against the direction of the arrows. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Worried Bill Gates is Microchipping the Schmaunt Fat

May 15, 2020 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to […]

Unger Suspicion

Anne Murray Flies Over Province Singing ‘Snowbird’

May 14, 2020 Andrew

BRANDON, MB At a time when many Canadians needed a pick me up, musical icon Anne Murray took off from her base at 15 Wing Moose Jaw and flew over western Canada belting out her […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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