ST. JACOBS,ON
Loblaws CEO Galen Weston announced in a press conference this afternoon that the company would be hiring several Mennonites, world renowned for their thrift, to help bring down prices at their stores.
“Your voice has been heard loud and clear,” said Weston. “Together with a couple dozen Mennonites I’ve brought in from St. Jacobs, we will march towards lower prices.”
The move is thought to be a response to the month-long boycott of Loblaws stores across the country.
“Apparently the Mennonites want us to stock nothing but secondhand doilies and chipped tea cups,” said Weston. “Oh, and a massive selection of quilts, of course.”
The new Loblaws stores will allow customers to bring in their own rinsed ice cream pail and fill it up with puffed wheat and other dry goods.
“Also from now on there are no fixed prices,” said Weston. “We’re fully expecting to dicker a little bit.”
The meat department will also be transformed into a livestock auction. The changes are expected to take place at all Loblaws-owned stores expect for Zehrs, which was already doing all this.
(photo credit: JasonParis/CC/modified)