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The Daily Bonnet

Your trusted source for Mennonite satire.

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The Daily Bonnet

Why is Loewen pronounced “Low-en” and Toews pronounced “Taves”?

February 1, 2025 Andrew

Of all the mysteries that have befallen the Mennonite community over the centuries, the most baffling is why Loewen is pronounced “Low-en” and Toews is pronounced “Taves.” For consistency they should either be pronounced Layven […]

The Daily Bonnet

Janitor Left to Clean Up Huge Mess After Mennonite Women “Spill the Tea”

January 31, 2025 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB Darren Klippenstein, janitor at Fifth Mennonite Church in Grunthal, rushed to the scene this evening after he heard the Women’s Quilting Club had spent all evening “spilling the tea.” “We didn’t make much […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Thinks His Specific Brand of Mennonites is Representative of All Mennonites

January 25, 2025 Andrew

SCHANZENKLEEGRUENSTEIN, MB Area man Abe Friesen is under the impression that the specific type of Mennonites that he is familiar with, those who speak Low German, wear suspenders, forbid dancing and drinking, and complain about […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Celebrates 500 Years of Anabaptism By Getting Baptized 500 Times

January 20, 2025 Andrew

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS Devout Mennonite and local tulip farmer Aldert Alderliesten decided he would commemorate 500 years of Anabaptism by setting the Guinness World Record for most successive baptisms. “The previous record was George Blaurock in […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Teens Switch to Low German After Swearing Ban in Taber

January 14, 2025 Andrew

TABER, AB Several years ago, the small Mennonite town of Taber drew headlines across the globe for banning swearing. Haven’t heard from them lately? Well, that’s because local teens hanging out in parking lots have […]

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