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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Niagara Mennonites Vote to Im-Peach Pastor Dave

February 8, 2021 Andrew

ST. CATHARINES, ON While Mennonites in other parts of the world commission new pastors through ordination, laying on of hands, or rebaptizing the ones who didn’t get it done properly, the Mennonites of the Niagara […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Takes Home the Super Bowl

February 7, 2021 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Mrs. Esther Friesen, 82, of Newton, Kansas managed to sneak into the church kitchen this Sunday and grab the 1970s Tupperware bowl that she’d left there before the pandemic began last year. “I’m […]

Unger & Thirst

Single Piece of Juicy Fruit Lasts a Record Three Minutes

February 3, 2021 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Mrs. Froese of Chilliwack has set a new world record by managing to squeeze a full three minutes of flavour from one piece of Juicy Fruit gum. “It’s got that sweet fruity blast […]

Unger & Thirst

Popular Mennonite Cookbook Updated for Millennials: ‘The Less-with-More Cookbook’

January 26, 2021 Andrew

AKRON, PA The popular ‘More-with-Less’ Cookbook has been given an update for 21st century young people. Now revised as the ‘Less-with-More’ cookbook, publishers are hoping it will attract the important millennial demographic. “We’ve done our […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Pastor Reassures Paranoid Congregation: “Don’t Worry, Chem Trails are Just Schmaunt Fat”

January 19, 2021 Andrew

R.M. of RHINELAND, MB After months of growing paranoia, a local pastor has decided to address a matter that was plaguing the minds of some of his more circumspect congregants. “Chem trails are nothing to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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