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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

Cellphone Ban Coming to Mennonite Churches this Fall

August 15, 2024 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In a historic agreement, Mennonite denominations across the province have come together in a united front to ban all cellphones in church this fall. “Look we know the sermon’s boring, but we can’t […]

Unger Conviction

Biden Sends Thoughts and Prayers to “Former President Ronald Reagan”

July 13, 2024 Andrew

BUTLER, PA After being informed on the situation at the rally in Pennsylvania, President Joe Biden took to the stage to express his sympathy for “former President Ronald Reagan.” “I’ve been briefed on the situation,” […]

Unger Conviction

Louisiana Requires All Schools to Display Pictures of Charlton Heston

June 27, 2024 Andrew

BATON ROUGE, LA Starting this fall all Louisiana schools will be required to display life-size portraits of Charlton Heston. Teachers will be asked to photocopy 8.5 x 11 images from the 1956 classic film The […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Schedules Mandatory Church Meeting During Game 7

June 22, 2024 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Pastor John of the North Edmonton Mennonite made sure to schedule a important mandatory Bruderhof meeting for Monday evening as soon as he found out the Oilers had made it to game 7. […]

Unger Conviction

United Church Totally Rips Off Mennonite Hymnal

June 19, 2024 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The United Church of Canada is coming under fire this week for ripping off all their best ideas from the Mennonites, most importantly their hymnal. “Voices Together. Voices United. You thought you’d get […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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