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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

$10 Billion Business Deal Inked in Mennonite Church Lobby

October 9, 2019 Andrew

KLEINESCHANTZ, SK Mr. Thiessen and Mr. Klassen just signed a massive $10 billion business deal in the local Mennonite church lobby this past Sunday. The deal is the third largest business deal ever signed in […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Forms Committee Responsible for Forming Other Committees

October 3, 2019 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON The South Waterloo Mennonite Church has just formed a radical new committee whose sole responsibility is forming other committees. The new Committee Committee is made up of a select group of committee members […]

Unger Conviction

Time Between Ceremony and Reception Extended to Torture Wedding Guests

September 21, 2019 Andrew

JANSEN, NE Guests at the Reimer-Claassen wedding this weekend were treated to a torturous five-hour gap between the ceremony and reception so that the couple could “take pictures.” “There’s nothing to do out here. We’re […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Discards Hymnals Because No One Can Read Music Anymore

September 15, 2019 Andrew

NEWTON, KS The Second Mennonite Church of Newton, Kansas has decided to ditch their hymnals after it was discovered that not a single person in the congregation could read sheet music anymore. “Oh, sure, Mrs. […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Confesses to Voting NDP

September 10, 2019 Andrew

REINLAND, MB Local man and former church deacon Mr. Rempel was forced to go up in front of his congregation this week and apologize after it was discovered he had voted NDP in two of […]

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