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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

Thrift Store Sees Huge Surge in Donations Thanks to Tomorrow’s Rapture

September 22, 2025 Andrew

ALTONA, MB The local thrift store got a huge influx of margarine containers, old license plates, and Clorox bottles this week after local man, Dave Klassen, donated literally everything he owned. “The Internet says the […]

Unger Conviction

Sticky Tack Holds Poster to Wall for Record 5 Minutes

September 12, 2025 Andrew

SEMINOLE, TX When Mrs. Doerksen left her Sunday School room for a couple minutes this afternoon, she was shocked to discover that one of the posters was still stuck to the wall. “Of course, it […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Child Forced to Watch ‘Hymn Sing’ Before He Can Watch ‘Disney’

September 4, 2025 Andrew

TOFIELD, AB Local 8-year-old Jeremy Goerzen threw the biggest temper tantrum in Tofield, Alberta history this weekend after his parents forced him to watch a complete episode of Hymn Sing prior to the Wonderful World […]

Unger Conviction

Canada to Increase Peace and Pacifism Budget to 5% of GDP

August 31, 2025 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON After pressure from the country’s Mennonite population, the government of Canada has decided to reallocate its entire military budget into efforts to promote peace and pacifism. “Our goal is to spend 5% of […]

Unger Conviction

Dual Headstone Eagerly Awaits Death of Spouse

August 23, 2025 Andrew

KORN, OK When Jake Penner passed away in 2008, his wife Martha promptly had her own name added to the headstone in anticipation of her eventual demise. “But it’s been 17 years and I’m still […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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