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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Menno Simons to Be Canonized as a Saint by the Catholic Church

July 10, 2016 Andrew

VATICAN CITY Sixteenth century Anabaptist leader Menno Simons has reached all the necessary prerequisites for canonization and will officially be declared a Saint by Pope Francis in August. As an ecumenical move, the pontiff said […]

Unger Suspicion

Comprehensive List of Steinbach Politicians Scheduled to Attend Pride March Today

July 9, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB The Daily Bonnet has compiled a list of every single elected official in Steinbach who is known to be making an official appearance at the Pride march this afternoon. Scheduled to attend are:   […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbach Man Gets Totally Hammered on Welch’s Grape Juice

July 8, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB In an effort to discourage drunkenness, many Mennonite churches in the Hanover area have replaced wine with non-alcoholic grape juice during monthly communion services. Yet, somehow, every communion Sunday, local dentist, Elbert W. Berg, 41, is […]

Unger Suspicion

Trey Parker and Matt Stone Convert to Mormonism

July 7, 2016 Andrew

SALT LAKE CITY, UT South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have felt the burning in the bosom and have decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In addition to […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Man Peter Penner Picks a Peck of Pickled Peppers

July 6, 2016 Andrew

PANSY, MB Pastor Peter Penner of Pansy has been pruning his peppers and is now prepared to pick a peck of them. “It’s not often you pick a peck of peppers and they’re pre-pickled,” said Penner. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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