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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Tim Hortons Raises Starting Wage to 15 Timbits an Hour

January 13, 2018 Andrew

OAKVILLE, ON In response to widespread criticism of recent cuts to employee benefits in some of its stores, iconic Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons has graciously decided to raise its starting wage from 12 Timbits […]

Unger Games

Canadian Men’s Hockey Team is Mostly Just Random Dudes from Your Church Floor Hockey League

January 12, 2018 Andrew

BRANDON, MB The Canadian Olympic Men’s hockey team was announced Thursday and it turns out most of the guys are just random dudes from your church floor hockey league. “With the NHL boycotting the Olympics […]

Unger Suspicion

British Columbian Freezes to Death Within Minutes of Arriving in Winnipeg

January 11, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Mr. Mark Thiessen of Chilliwack froze to death after walking a hundred metres from the airport terminal to his rental car this weekend. Police found his frozen corpse, with his debit card in […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Moms Gather for Wine O’Clock…I Mean “Bible Study”

January 10, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB For nearly a decade, Mennonite moms in North Kildonan have been gathering every Tuesday afternoon at Diane’s house to laugh, chat, and drink overly sweet white wines. “It all started about ten years […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite CPAP Machine Provides Continuous Flow of Schmaunt Fat

January 10, 2018 Andrew

HERBERT, SK Cardiologists in the small town of Herbert, Saskatchewan are testing out a new CPAP machine that would provide Mennonites with a continuous flow of schmaunt fat while they sleep. Local man Dale Broesky […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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