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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Police Vow to Put a Stop to Mennonite Crack Problem

July 20, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Citizens of the Manitoba capital have been deeply distressed by the ever-increasing crack problem within the city’s Mennonite population this summer. The problem came to a head this week after a huge quantity […]

Unger Suspicion

American Tourist ‘Totally Wasted’ For the Rest of the Trip After Just One German Beer

July 19, 2019 Andrew

MUNICH, GERMANY Light beer enthusiast Mr. Johan Yoder of Lancaster decided to take a trip to Germany with his friends this summer. Yoder soon discovered, however, that his beer drinking skills were not up to […]

The Daily Bonnet

New FaceApp Just Makes Everyone Look Like a Mennonite

July 18, 2019 Andrew

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA A popular new social media app called FaceApp allows people to add wrinkles, grey hair, and a long beard to see what they’ll look like decades into the future. “Basically they’re turning […]

The Daily Bonnet

Long Lost Cousin Goes Up During Freiwilliges and Ruins the Whole Thing

July 17, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB When Grandma Enns passed away this week dozens of long lost cousins made an appearance at the Winkler MBEMC church. One such person was Peter Enns, 41, who hadn’t been seen in years […]

Unger Games

Desperate Winnipeg Jets Recruiting Farm Boys Near Kleefeld

July 16, 2019 Andrew

KLEEFELD, MB After losing player after player to free agency this summer, the Winnipeg Jets have had to get a little creative to fill their roster for next season. “We’re basically going out into the […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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