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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

First Mennonite Church Shall Become Last

March 11, 2020 Andrew

ROSENHOF, MB In an effort to appear more humble the First Mennonite Church of Rosenhof is changing its name to the Last Mennonite Church of Rosenhof. “We’re proud of how humble we are,” said Pastor […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Man Selling Hand Sanitizer for $80 a Squirt

March 10, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After snagging the last remaining bottles of hand sanitizer in Steinbach, local man Mr. Dueck is now standing on the corner of Main and Reimer asking for eighty bucks a squirt. “The response […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Sets Record By Standing Up and Sitting Down 600 Times in a Single Service

March 9, 2020 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN The East Side Mountain Lake Mennonite Church set a world record this Sunday after Pastor Ron had the congregation stand up, sit down, and stand up again 606 times in a single […]

Unger & Thirst

Frantic Mennonites Stockpile Hand Sanitizer, Toilet Paper, and Farmer Sausage

March 8, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Thousands of Mennonites across North America were totally freaking out at the prospect of having to quarantine themselves for a couple weeks should they be in the unfortunate situation of having not […]

Unger Suspicion

Bieber Debuts Terrible New Single “Yummy” at the Most Appropriate Venue – His Local Hillsong Church

March 7, 2020 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY After proudly recording what is probably the worst song in pop music history, Justin Bieber, sporting a pink hoodie and neck tattoos, decided the most appropriate place to debut “Yummy” was at […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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