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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Washes Hands to the Entire ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ Album

March 20, 2020 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Burned out rocker Abe Dueck, 61, of Abbotsford has decided to wash his hands eight or nine times a day to all 42 minutes of Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. “Breathe, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Working from Home Completely Naked the Entire Time

March 19, 2020 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Graphic designer Mr. Plett, 58, of Leamington has decided that so long as this coronavirus thing is keeping him at home he might as well not bother to put any clothes on. “I’ve […]

The Daily Bonnet

Shunned Mennonites Feeling Super Safe Right Now

March 18, 2020 Andrew

BIRD-IN-HAND, PA Mrs. Beiler, 63, who was shunned three months ago after wearing a knee-length skirt to a church potluck, is among the safest people on the planet these days. “The shunning was bad at […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Self-Isolates After Visit to Jantsied

March 17, 2020 Andrew

DITSIED, MB Mr. Harder of Ditsied is in self-imposed quarantine for the next two weeks after an “international” trip he took to the other side of the river. “I went all the way to Jantsied,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Scientists Have Traced the Origins of ‘Idiot Hoarder Disease’

March 16, 2020 Andrew

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Scientists at the University of Australia have successfully isolated the origin of the ‘Idiot Hoarder’ virus that is ravaging the planet. “We’ve traced it back to a fight between two men in their […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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