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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Guilt Levels Reach Record Lows as Mennonites Stay Home on Sundays

March 24, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Mennonites around the globe were feeling a lot more chill about their behaviour than normal after not attending church services the past couple weeks. “It’s strange. I feel kind of free, you […]

Unger Games

Local Man So Bored He’d Even Be Willing to Watch Baseball

March 23, 2020 Andrew

CALGARY, AB Like many people these days, local sports fan J.R. Goerzen, 43, is going bonkers without any sports to watch. It’s gotten so bad that Goerzen has been flipping the channels hoping to see […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Super Excited as His Live-Streamed Sermon Gets Three Whole Views

March 22, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Pastor Dave is super pumped about the response he got from his live-streamed sermon this morning, which had three views and another viewer who left the live-stream halfway through. “Quite frankly, it’s better […]

The Daily Bonnet

Niverville Vows to Overtake Steinbach for Most Number of Traffic Lights

March 21, 2020 Andrew

NIVERVILLE, MB With its first traffic light forthcoming this summer, the town of Niverville is eager to surpass rival community Steinbach for the title of most traffic lights in the Southeast. “Sure, we’ve only got […]

Unger Suspicion

Idiot Spring Breakers Force Sharks to Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

March 20, 2020 Andrew

MIAMI, FL After tens of thousands of irresponsible “dude bros” disregarded health officials and decided that the pandemic wasn’t going to stop them from partying and spreading the disease to their elderly relatives, local sharks […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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