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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple to Replace Harry and Meghan at Buckingham Palace

January 13, 2020 Andrew

LONDON, UK After Harry and Meghan decided to call it quits on the royal family, a generous family of Mennonites from Holmes County have agreed to take their place at Buckingham Palace. “As Anabaptists, we’re […]

Unger & Thirst

Conservative Mennonite Group Vows to Preserve Old Tim Hortons Lids

January 12, 2020 Andrew

WOOLWICH TOWNSHIP, ON When Tim Hortons recently introduced a newly redesigned coffee lid, millions of Canadians were overjoyed. Not so, for the Mennonites of Woolwich Township, however. The new coffee lids were seen as a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Liberal Mennonite ‘Too Woke for Meddachschlop’

January 11, 2020 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB Manitoba’s self-proclaimed “wokest” Mennonite Dylan Heinrichs-Klassen-Guenther claims he has now risen above forms of oppression such as a nice Sunday afternoon meddachschlop. “Meddachschlop is highly problematic,” said Heinrichs-Klassen-Guenther. “I can’t think of […]

Unger Suspicion

Harry and Meghan to Winter in Regina

January 10, 2020 Andrew

REGINA, SK Harry and Meghan have decided to take a step back from royal duties and live a normal life on the Canadian Prairies. “We plan to winter in Regina,” said Harry. “We wanted to […]

Unger & Thirst

Shocking New Photos Show Dramatic Glacier Retreat

January 9, 2020 Andrew

GRETNA, MB New photos released by the National Society for the Preservation of Glaciers reveal a dramatic retreat of the famous Gretna Glacier. “If you look at the photos side by side, you can see […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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