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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Canada-Wide Rogers Golden Syrup Outage Stretches on for Hours

April 19, 2021 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Mennonites across the country were without Rogers Golden Syrup for more than five hours on Monday. “It’s a good thing it’s not a weekend when demand for Rogers Golden Syrup peaks,” said Doris […]

The Daily Bonnet

Ex-Mennonite Accidentally Leans Over Onto the Non-Shunned Table

April 18, 2021 Andrew

GRUENBACH, MB Peter Barkman, 41, left the church decades ago and found himself at a Barkman gathering this weekend where he was placed at the heathen table, which was right next to the other table […]

The Daily Bonnet

Area Woman Gets a Brand New Pair of ‘Mennonite High Heels’

April 17, 2021 Andrew

BURWALDE, MB After Tara Wiens, 31, of Burwalde took a shortcut to church this week, traipsing through a muddy field, she found she had managed to snag herself a fancy new pair of Mennonite High […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadian Olympic Team to Wear Dirty Mennonite Overalls and Shit Kickers

April 16, 2021 Andrew

TOKYO, JAPAN The brand new outfit for the 2021 Canadian Olympic Team has been revealed: a pair of dirty Mennonite overalls and shit kicker boots. “We wanted the team to stand-out from the crowd, so […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite MP Caught Leaving His Webcam On During Meddachschlop

April 15, 2021 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON In what is certainly the most embarrassing moment in Canadian parliamentary history, a Mennonite MP left his webcam on while enjoying a lovely Sunday afternoon meddachschlop. “I’d like to apologize to everyone who […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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