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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites are Turning their Old Laine Jerseys into Quilts

January 24, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Moments after the Winnipeg Jets announced they had traded superstar right winter Patrik Laine to some team in Ohio, Mennonite Jets fans began fashioning their old Laine jerseys into quilts. “Gotta make some […]

Unger Suspicion

A List of Things American Mennonites Can Buy with their $600 Stimulus Checks

January 23, 2021 Andrew

The check (sic) is in the mail! To ease the troubled financial situation that many Americans are facing these days, Senators and Members of Congress who make $174,000 a year have generously consented to sending […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Library Censors ‘Dyck Picture Book’

January 22, 2021 Andrew

REINLAND, MB A family history book dedicated to Dycks has been censored and withdrawn from circulation by the local library this week after receiving dozens of complaints. “Oba, I don’t need to see three hundred […]

The Daily Bonnet

Bernie Sanders Spotted at Mennonite Locales Across North America

January 21, 2021 Andrew

Beloved Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has sure been making the rounds in his hand knitted mittens these days. He even stopped by at a few of your favourite Mennonite locales across North America. The photos […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Pastor Reassures Paranoid Congregation: “Don’t Worry, Chem Trails are Just Schmaunt Fat”

January 19, 2021 Andrew

R.M. of RHINELAND, MB After months of growing paranoia, a local pastor has decided to address a matter that was plaguing the minds of some of his more circumspect congregants. “Chem trails are nothing to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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