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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Have No Place to Store their Crokinole Pieces After Crown Royal Plant Shuts Down

December 1, 2025 Andrew

ST. CATHERINES, ON Thousands of Mennonites across Ontario have joined Premier Doug Ford in dumping all the Crown Royal they weren’t intending on drinking anyway. “I use it for cooking or medicinal purposes only,” said […]

Unger Games

Winnipeg Jets Plan to Lose Every Game Until Hellebuyck Comes Back

November 30, 2025 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite a slight hiccup in the plan last night, the Winnipeg Jets are hoping to get back on track and lose every game from now until whenever Connor Hellebuyck comes back. “I’m really […]

Unger Games

McGill Cuts Beloved Crokinole Team

November 28, 2025 Andrew

MONTREAL, QC McGill University has freed up more than $6 billion in budget space after cutting the beloved but expensive crokinole team. “Players kept flicking the pieces all over the place and losing them,” said […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonites Demand Release of the Epsteinbach Files

November 27, 2025 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After many years of uncertainty and protest, the Epsteinbach files will finally be released this spring. “Oba, that Elder Thiessen is delaying things,” said Epsteinbach enthusiast Laura Koop. “I’m like, if he has […]

Unger Suspicion

Lack of Snow Deludes Winnipeg Man Into Thinking He Doesn’t Need a Parka

November 26, 2025 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB It’s the end of November, so you know what that means – parka season. Well not so for area man Collin Rogalsky. “I’m waiting for it to snow,” said Rogalsky. “I can’t feel […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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