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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman to Dust Entire Province of Manitoba

May 15, 2026 Andrew

CARMAN, MB Mrs. Loewen of Carman has been enlisted by Manitoba Premier Wab Kinew to dust the entire province this weekend. “That was quite the dust storm,” said Kinew. “But luckily we have women like […]

Unger Games

Donald Trump Tells Iran He Holds All the Cards

May 13, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC In his most emphatic statement to date, US President Donald Trump has told Iranian authorities to give up because he holds all the Dutch Blitz cards. “I’ve got all the cards. All the […]

Unger Suspicion

90-Year-Old Grandma Emerges Victorious in Senior Assassin 2026

May 12, 2026 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Mrs. Dorothy Wiebe of Altona was the last senior in town not to get sprayed with a water gun this week and has been crowned winner of Senior Assassin 2026. “I knew they […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Sets Record for Tallest Bowl at Mongo’s Grill

May 10, 2026 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Klaas Siemens of Rosenort was in the city this week and decided to stop at his favourite restaurant Mongo’s Grill, where he set a new record for successfully piling the most ingredients into […]

The Daily Bonnet

Nationwide Cottage Cheese Shortage Causes Mennonites to Compromise Cherished Values for First Time Ever

May 9, 2026 Andrew

ALTONA, MB After five centuries of never once compromising their cherished Anabaptist values, Mennonites across Canada are forced to confront the most pressing ethical dilemma in their history – what to do in the face […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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