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Month: December 2025

Unger Conviction

Kirk Cameron Reaffirms Belief in ‘Eternal Conscious Torment’ After Sitting Through One of His Own Movies

December 11, 2025 Andrew

NASHVILLE, TN Former 1980s sitcom star-turned-Christian apologist Kirk Cameron made headlines this week after questioning whether Hell is eternal. “But then I watched one of my own movies,” said Cameron, “and let me tell you, […]

Unger the Influence

Goertzen to Spend Retirement Years Playing High Stakes Competitive Crokinole

December 10, 2025 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Longtime Steinbach MLA Kelvin Goertzen announced this week that he will not be seeking re-election in the next provincial election. Instead, Goertzen intends to spend his retirement years singing tenor in a country […]

Unger the Influence

FIFA Peace Prize Discovered at Local Thrift Store

December 7, 2025 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA The new FIFA “Peace Prize” was apparently so meaningful to its recipient that it’s already been discarded and discovered amongst all the useless chotskies at the local thrift store. “I couldn’t believe my […]

Unger Games

Trump Wins Inaugural Nobel Prize for Soccer

December 6, 2025 Andrew

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN Not to be outdone by FIFA, the Nobel committee has just come up with a new soccer award, specifically designed for the world’s top demagogues and/or soccer players. The first recipient will be […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadian Shoppers Concerned as Fargo Reinstates Wood Chipper Executions

December 5, 2025 Andrew

FARGO, ND North Dakota’s attempt to lure crossborder Christmas shoppers has met with a hiccup this week after the local Chamber of Commerce announced they’d be bringing back the wood chipper. “Yeah, I think I’ll […]

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