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Month: May 2025

Unger Suspicion

Harvard Restores Funding After Record-Setting Quilt Auction

May 25, 2025 Andrew

CAMBRIDGE, MA After having its funding dramatically reduced in recent weeks, Harvard University has had to result to a tried and true method of raising money – a Mennonite-style quilt auction. “At this point, we […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonite Hymn Wins Eurovision Song Contest

May 23, 2025 Andrew

BASEL, SWITZERLAND A seventeenth century German hymn popular with Mennonites has won the 2025 Eurovision song contest. “Normally, we only accept newly-written songs, but we figured this one had enough age on it that we […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite in Liquor Store Spots Mennonite in Liquor Store

May 22, 2025 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB There was a brief moment of considerable anxiety this afternoon after a Mennonite in the local liquor store happened to spot another Mennonite in the liquor store. “I was minding my own business […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite to Join ‘Golden Dome’ Program

May 21, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC The White House’s new $175 billion ‘golden dome’ defence program seems bound for completion this week after the administration got the Mennonites on board. “Nah, junges, normally we only have the golden domes […]

Unger & Thirst

Bruce Springsteen’s Plumi Moos Deemed “A Little Dry”

May 20, 2025 Andrew

GOESSEL, KS Atteendees at a Kansas Mennonite church potluck were disappointed this week after rock superstar Bruce Springsteen showed up with a plumi moos that was a “touch on the dry side.” “I get it. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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