Tucker Carlson Completely Mesmerized by Low Prices at Local Thrift Store


Following his whirlwind tour of Russia, “journalist” Tucker Carlson is in northern Alberta this week visiting a small Mennonite village where he appeared to be totally enamoured with the low prices at the local thrift store.

“See this is what’s wrong with America,” said Carlson sifting through the women’s undergarments. “In America a modest girdle like this would go for over a hundred dollars, whereas here in Blumenbach it’s just 25 cents if you come on a bag sale day.”

Carlson then proceeded to peruse the used tea cup and saucer section, before spending a good hour completely transfixed by the margarine containers.

“Where else but Blumenbach could you get a high quality receptacle like this at such low prices?” wondered Carlson, cocking his head slightly and furrowing his brow. “Plus they even pre-rinse it for you. This would never happen in America, that’s for sure.”

Carlson then spent several hours interviewing the local minister, letting him drone on and on without ever questioning his highly suspect interpretation of scripture.

“What a wonderland this place is,” said Carlson. “Dissent is crushed, there’s no freedom of expression, and best of all there are really low prices.”

Critics were quick to point out that Carlson had conveniently failed to mention that the typical Blumenbacher receives an entire yearly salary of several frozen chickens and a pail of Saskatoon berries.

Some have called Carlson’s trip an act of propaganda, labelling him a “useful idiot” though Carlson dismissed such allegations saying he didn’t consider the term an insult.

“There’s nothing more Mennonite than making yourself useful,” said Carlson. “At least I’m accomplishing something.”

(photo credit: Gage Skidmore/CC)

Seniors Start New Baby Boom to Overtake Millennials
Blockbuster Building to be Preserved at Local Museum to Show what Mennonite Life was Like in the 1990s