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swimming

Unger & Thirst

‘Summer McIntosh Borscht’: Mennonites Rename Soup in Honour of Swimmer

August 1, 2024 Andrew

PARIS, FRANCE With two golds and a silver so far at the 2024 games, Summer McIntosh has captured the hearts of the nation, including the Canadian Mennonite population who have renamed a popular borscht after […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Man Medals in Synchronized Baptisms

July 31, 2024 Andrew

PARIS, FRANCE It was a historic moment for the Canadian Olympic team this week as Rylan Wiens and diving partner Nathan Zsombor-Murray won a bronze medal. The moment did not go unnoticed by the folks […]

Unger Games

Olympics Add 20 New Swimming Categories to Artificially Boost Michael Phelps’ Medal Count

July 27, 2024 Andrew

PARIS, FRANCE Concerned that his status as “all-time Olympic medal winner” might fall someday, American officials have successfully petitioned the International Olympic Committee to add upwards of twenty new swimming categories. “With these new additions, […]

Unger Suspicion

Winnipeg Woman Breaks Longstanding Vow Never to Leave the City with Visit to Pool in Steinbach

March 2, 2024 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Winnipeg woman Anne Pankratz has been perfectly content with her suburban Winnipeg lifestyle, never needing to leave the city for any reason whatsoever. That is until she found out about the existence of […]

Unger Suspicion

New Olympic-size Swimming Pool Opens in Winnipeg

April 13, 2023 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB A regulation Olympic-size swimming pool, complete with diving board, and a 24/7 on-duty lifeguard has opened up in the middle of a busy street in Winnipeg this week. “We’re really excited about this […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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