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movies

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man ‘Conscientiously Objects’ to Watching the Oscars

March 28, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party. “As a member of a historic peace […]

Unger Suspicion

Lindsey “Loewen” Reveals We’ve Been Spelling and Saying Her Name Wrong the Whole Time

February 23, 2022 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA Mean Girls star Lindsey Loewen revealed today in her TikTok debut that she’s actually Kleine Gemeinde from Taber (via Cuauhtémoc) and we’ve all been spelling and saying her name wrong the whole time. “It’s Loe-wen […]

Unger Conviction

New ‘Transformers’ Movie to Feature Mennonites Who Are One Way on Sunday and Totally Different the Rest of the Week

December 8, 2021 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA Michael Bay is set to direct a brand new Transformers movie that features Mennonites who miraculously transform into pious and righteous individuals for just one hour every Sunday morning. “They can throw on […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Family Desperately Tries to Emulate Hallmark Christmas Movie

December 5, 2021 Andrew

SWIFT CURRENT, SK The Brauns of Swift Current have overcome a number of predictable obstacles this fall and are now ready to sit around an immaculately-decorated table, sing a few songs, and pretend to get […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Mennonite Thriller ‘Jakes on a Plane’ is Box Office Smash

December 4, 2021 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA After unprecedented demand brought on by the direct-to-betamax success of Jakes on a Plane, the Mennonite thriller is now playing at theatres across the globe. “The movie’s been a great success. People are […]

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