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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Grandmas Awarded $3 Billion in Man Bun Lawsuit

April 22, 2017 Andrew

VANCOUVER, BC After an exhausting three-month class action lawsuit, a BC patent court has ruled in favour of Mennonite Grandmas over the use of the man bun. The court awarded the Grandmas $3.2 billion in […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couples Vow to Save Meddachschlop for Marriage

April 21, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Thousands of dating couples on Mennonite college campuses across Canada have pledged to save meddachschlop for marriage. “I want my future husband to know that I never had meddachschlop with anyone else before […]

The Daily Bonnet

Car Air Conditioner to Face Off Against Heated Seat in Epic Battle this April

April 20, 2017 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB The Hieberts are a lovely couple with a happy marriage…or so they thought. Since the beginning of April the Mitchell area couple have been engaged in an epic struggle for temperature control during recent […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Tournament Results in Hundreds of Casualties

April 20, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA More than three-hundred serious injuries and five fatalities were reported at this year’s Lancaster Senior’s Dutch Blitz tournament. Event organizers, however, say that the results are “typical.” “This is just as we expected. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Child Found Four Days Later Still Searching for Easter Egg

April 20, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Four days after the annual Giesbrecht family easter egg hunt a distraught Timothy Giesbrecht, 6, was located in Oma and Opa’s backyard frantically searching for the colourful hard-boiled treat. “This is the last time we […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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