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The Daily Bonnet

Humble Mennonites Really Proud to Finally Have Their Own Week

June 7, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON In a near unanimous vote on May 29, the government of Canada announced the creation of a new week to honour the nation’s most proud humble residents, the Mennonites. “Not to brag or […]

Unger & Thirst

Poll: What is Your Favourite Flavour of Knackzoat?

June 7, 2019 Andrew

It’s knackzoat season again. Gone are the days when all you had was a plain Papsi and lightly salted zoat. There are so many varieties these days, I’ve got the zoat sweats just thinking about […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Scores Historic Victory on ‘Jeopardy!’

June 5, 2019 Andrew

CULVER CITY, CA Mrs. Lina Dueck, 31, outwitted Abe Hiebert this past week, ending Abe’s reign of more than 30 games to become the new Jeopardy! champion. “He made a risky gamble on that hog […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Does ‘The Dab’ During Responsive Reading

June 4, 2019 Andrew

ELKHART, IN Pastor Hoffstetter thoroughly embarrassed his teenage children this week after doing ‘the dab’ during Sunday morning’s responsive reading. “I just wanted to lighten the mood a little,” explained Hoffstetter. “Sometimes the readings are […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Accidentally Speaks Plautdietsch Outside the Barn

June 3, 2019 Andrew

GRUENFELD, MB Mr. Johan Pauls was rapt in conversation with his shekbenjel Charlie Wiens when they absent-mindedly wandered outside the hog barn and were heard speaking Plautdietsch all over the yard. Gruenfeld Police were immediately […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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