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Unger the Influence

White House Demands New Bridge Be Rerouted to Epstein Island

February 11, 2026 Andrew

WINDSOR, ON The White House is fuming this week after the new Gordie Howe bridge was set to connect the United States with Canada, instead of the Epstein Island route that they preferred. “We’ve been […]

The Daily Bonnet

Americans Furious About All-Plautdietsch Halftime Show

February 10, 2026 Andrew

FRESNO, CA Millions of Americans were visibly upset this weekend after they had to sit through the Super Bowl’s first ever all-Plautdietsch halftime show. “Nobody understood a word of it,” said President Donald Trump. “It […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Mom Forces Olympians to Split Medals into Pieces and Share with their Brothers and Sisters

February 9, 2026 Andrew

MILAN, ITALY After a thorough investigation, researches have finally uncovered the reason why so many Olympic medals were found to be broken this weekend: Mrs. Esther Brandt of Rosenort. “She was going around and making […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Choir to Perform at Extra-Alternative Halftime Show

February 8, 2026 Andrew

FRESNO, CA For those looking for an alternative halftime show to either Bad Bunny or Kid Rock, the Fresno Central Mennonite Church is inviting guests to listen to their choir this afternoon. “We felt that […]

Unger Games

Canada to Field Olympic Team Entirely Made Up of Friesens and Froeses

February 6, 2026 Andrew

MILAN, ITALY The Canadian Olympic committee just announced that the entire team, in every sport, would be made up of Friesens and Froeses. “What can I say?” said bobsledder Peter Froese. “With a name like […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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