LA CRETE, AB
Area man Garth Martens has reached the age of 31, which means he will now settle all his opinions and judgments of taste and not diverge from these for the rest of his life.
“Like my father and his father before him, I plan to figure out everything at a young age and then never budge or grow as a person after that,” said Martens. “First off, I’d like to go on the record as saying all the music of the next generation is terrible and also the Klassens and all their descendants will never amount to anything.”
Martens also figures it’s about time to pick a political party to support for the rest of his life.
“And a theological stance, too,” said Martens. “My father hasn’t changed a single opinion since 1974 and I plan to follow in his footsteps.”
Martens also plans to vacation at the same resort in Mexico from now until his death and is already really iffy about that new Thai restaurant in town.