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Unger the Influence

Unger the Influence

White House Reassures Mennonites New Ballroom Won’t Be Used for Dancing

November 3, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Desperate the quell a rising tide of angry Mennonite voters, the White House clarified this afternoon that the new ballroom would not be used for dancing. “Only faspas and quilt auctions,” said press […]

Unger the Influence

Danielle Smith Adds Canadian Constitution to Alberta’s Banned Books List

October 29, 2025 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Alberta Premier Danielle Smith held a massive bonfire outside the provincial legislative building this week to destroy any remaining copies of the Constitution of Canada. “Had my goons find every copy they could,” […]

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White House Ends Trade Talks with Canada Over Alex P. Keaton Commercial

October 24, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC The White House is fuming this week after the government of Ontario used the image of beloved Family Ties character Alex P. Keaton to promote an anti-tariff message. “Tariffs are a longstanding American […]

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Canada Post to Replace Air Mail with New Horse and Buggy Service

September 29, 2025 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Always wanting to improve services across the country, Canada Post announced this week it would be hiring Amish and Old Order Mennonites to deliver the mail from now on. “It’s just one more […]

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Bargain Hungry Mennonites Eager to Get Their Hands on Free Speech

September 21, 2025 Andrew

INMAN, KS Mennonites across Kansas were stirred into a frenzy this week after they heard that speeches were now free. “Even the thrift store doesn’t have free speech like this,” said Mr. Janzen. “I’ve never […]

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