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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Paska Buns Kept Six Feet Apart to Keep Mennonites Safe

April 11, 2020 Andrew

NEUBERGTHAL, MB Mrs. Martens of Neubergthal has spaced out all her paska buns six feet apart this Easter to make sure no one catches any undesirable illnesses. “I got the tape measure and laid them […]

Unger & Thirst

Pennsylvania Mennonite Man Blows Entire Stimulus Check on Pig’s Head Scrapple

April 7, 2020 Andrew

AKRON, PA Mr. Ruth, 63, of Akron, Pennsylvania has decided to make the best of a bad situation and has already blown his entire $1200 government stimulus check on scrapple made from pig’s head and […]

Unger & Thirst

Klik Returns to Mennonite Pantries for the First Time in Centuries

April 4, 2020 Andrew

GRASSY LAKE, AB As humans across the globe shut themselves indoors and withdraw from normal life, it seems that nature has taken over. This retreat to pre-human existence is no more evident than in the […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Discovers Brave New World of Fried Vereniki

April 1, 2020 Andrew

“O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in’t!” -William Shakespeare, The Tempest ALTONA, MB A church lunch this past Sunday has […]

Unger & Thirst

Frantic Mennonites Stockpile Hand Sanitizer, Toilet Paper, and Farmer Sausage

March 8, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Thousands of Mennonites across North America were totally freaking out at the prospect of having to quarantine themselves for a couple weeks should they be in the unfortunate situation of having not […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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